SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been listening to podcast and reading some articles about personality traits of cheaters. The following is what I’ve learned.

1. Extroverts are more likely to cheat bc they crave adventures and are a low conscientiousness.
2. They build a reputation of being someone you can trust to make cheating easier.
3. A lot of them were sexually abused as a child.
5. most don’t see anything wrong with their actions
6. Some of the podcast I have listened to a serial cheater being interviewed and cheater himself says shame on you for staying with someone that hurt you. This seems like a split personality trait to me.

Do any of these personality traits fit the personality of your cheater?

Not mine, especially the part about not seeing anything wrong with it. She knew it was wrong, did it anyway. Not an extrovert. I have high confidence that she didn’t build up a trustworthy persona over decades with a long term goal of covering up a future affair.

That sounds to my ears like a stereotypical narcissist sociopath and what I’ve gathered around here is that is far too simplistic of a model to explain cheating.

I'll pre-empt my observations with, there is no excuse for cheating, it's a series of deliberate choices, but I can at least see the map that revealed my wife's journey to those bad choices.

Bad circumstances from her FOO -- but no special traits, other than that family life generating zero self-esteem for my wife.

My wife had a tough childhood - father was an alcoholic, mother was all in on golden child brother and only viewed BOTH of her daughters as secondary citizens. My wife's sister was pregnant at 16, then an alcoholic and addicted to a number of illicit substances. My wife tried to go the other way, perfect grades, perfect attendance, then never a sick day with work, etc. She buried the loveless childhood and it was a part of her spiral before she chose to cheat.

Other than that, no podcast or anyone here could pick my wife out of the crowd as a cheater.

She is introvert who has trouble sharing her feelings, from the day I met her until now.

She has returned to her faith, and will likely feel shame for her choices until her last day. She is doing better, I want a wife who sees the good in herself and doesn't live in the memories of her worst days, not stuck in shame.

I read a lot of NPD stories here, so it sounds like the podcaster had to deal with all those unpleasant traits. One of my best non-SI friends -- his first wife was NPD and it was horrible to watch (even years later, as they were parents raising a daughter).

My xWS was an extrovert who needed boatloads of validation. He was like a gaping hole of misery. He also thought his actions could be swept under the rug and move on as if nothing happened. His favorite line to me was that I was always living in the past and beating him down

He was not sexually abused but physically and extremely emotionally abused by his mother I believe this helped create his personality disorder (NPD diagnosed).

I think ALL serial cheaters lack the empathy chip. There is something wrong with that part of themselves. I also believe most cheaters cheated for validation not thinking about their spouse or consequences at all and if they did it was pushed back into a small corner of their consciousness.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 7:00 PM, Friday, December 22nd]

My husband is an introvert who has never needed lots of outside validation. During the affair he twisted himself into some philosophical knots to convince himself it was ok, but he’s certainly not the kind of person who takes a cavalier attitude about lying and hiding things. He feels a great deal of guilt and shame (to the point it’s detrimental to his healing process). If you met my husband, you’d never guess he would be likely to cheat. He’s not flirtatious at all—he’s as steady as they come in most ways. Great father and great husband except for the cheating.

But life got really hard, he dealt with it poorly, an opportunity presented itself, and he took it. We’ve been dealing with the painful fallout ever since, though we’re doing pretty well now.

I think the podcast you are listening to is probably correct in its assessment of a particular type of remorseless cheater. The thing is, I am pretty good at seeing shameless, attention-seeking narcissists for who they are. I have never, ever been attracted to those types of men. Honestly, I’ve always been completely turned off by the charming, flirtatious type. But in some ways my confidence that my husband wasn’t and isn’t that kind of guy blinded me to the fact that he was vulnerable to cheating, too. He had some poor boundaries in his own quiet introvert way that helped him slide into an affair and not be proactive about getting out of it.

I think any personality can be a cheater. Some are more prone to it, but anyone can have poor boundaries and make terrible choices.

[This message edited by Grieving at 3:21 AM, Sunday, December 24th]

The commonalities I’ve noticed from my experience and from what I’ve gathered here:

-Insecurity Issues, validation seeking extremes

-Family Of Origin issues

-Sexual Assault history

-Sexual Addiction history

-NPD

-Bipolar
-Poor Empathy
-Low emotional maturity

-Recent Trauma's

-Addiction history (gambling, alcohol, drugs)

OTHER COFACTORS AND RISK FACTORS:

-Attractive

-Personality Extremes (extroverts, submissives)

-History of many STRs

-History of Monkey Branching

-People who work in high intensity, high anxiety, high adrenaline team work environments.

-Depression

-Only’s (high school sweethearts who married)

-Late Bloomers (few premarital sexual exps)

-Distanced relationships, military, business travelers.

-Marriage CR1 visas

-Midlife Crisis

-Dead Bedrooms

-Emotional Intimacy Issues

-GNOs

-Contractors in your house

-Personal Trainers

-Online Gamers

-Excessive Social Media

-Excessive Porn Use

-Work Spouses

-Goes to bars alone

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:06 PM, Friday, December 22nd]

Adding to the lists:

A flirt

Talks about his achievements to women in particular

Arrogant

Ego driven

Takes other's feelings for granted

Chooses to believe he is a good guy

Charming and talkative to women

An interesting one way conversationalist (does not care much about the other person topics)

Inconsiderate to others

Veiled passive aggressive comments

Lies easily with conviction

Manipulates

Opportunist

Activity driven

Easily bored

Shallow

Not forward thinking

Little to no patience

Chooses to remain ignorant on purpose.

Looks for the easiest way out

Believes he is right and others are wrong

Well, they all seem to share a "secret handbook" so why not common traits?

My WW checks most of the boxes many have listed. She has been diagnosed as Bipolar, Histrionic Personality Disorder and Disorganized Attachment style (lucky me). She was abandoned by her father and sexually abused as a child by her older brother. I wanted to hug her therapist who said in spite of all this "none of these things CAUSED yo to cheat and you must acknowledge and OWN those decisions".

Probably the "best" description I have come across for her (multiple affairs over 20 years) are the 7 traits of a compulsive cheater:

Here are seven common traits of compulsive cheaters:

1. They Get Bored Easily

Compulsive cheaters often fall in love with a fantasy. Subsequently, they may enjoy the lure of ‘the chase’ in getting someone, rather than being with someone. Once they secure the actual commitment associated with a relationship, they start to lose interest. Suddenly, their partner is a real person with a real personality, and the cheater might feel dissuaded from staying committed.

2. They’re Impulsive

Compulsive cheating can coincide with impulsivity. When someone is impulsive, they tend to seek instant gratification because they want the immediate effects of pleasure. Thus, they don’t think about the consequences thoroughly. Whether consciously or not, they opt to sacrifice long-term happiness for short-term relief. The cheater may perceive commitment as "too much work," particularly if the relationship is in distress.

3. They’re Afraid of Being Alone

Despite their contradictory actions, many compulsive cheaters struggle with abandonment issues and fear loneliness. These problems can lead them to seek multiple sources of external validation. They want continuous reassurance that they are desired, loved, or otherwise special. Some chronic cheaters also want to have alternative options available, in case their primary relationship doesn’t work out.

4. They’re Opportunistic

Compulsive cheaters often experience heightened FOMO (or ‘fear of missing out’) when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships. They struggle to live in the present moment and accept the good things they have. As a result, they constantly seek out new sources of validation. Some of them hold onto the hope that the ‘right person’ will motivate them to change their behavior.

5. They’re Outwardly Flirtatious

A compulsive cheater may appear to be charismatic and overly friendly when interacting with others. This flirting acts as an attempt to gain attention and gauge connections with potential partners.4 But if their current partner (or someone else) confronts the cheating, they will often deny the behavior. They may even engage in gaslighting behavior, such as telling the other person they’re "overreacting" or "being insecure."

6. They Don’t Seem to Show Genuine Remorse

Compulsive cheaters may apologize when they make mistakes, but these apologies may seem stunted or forced. They don’t come across as authentic, and they may be loaded with blaming statements like, I’m sorry, but you’re barely home. If you’re on the receiving end of one of these statements, you may feel like you need to apologize!

7. They Fail to Keep Their Promises

Many compulsive cheaters make grandiose claims about changing their behavior. They promise to stop, and they swear they will be faithful. They may even go to great lengths to prove to their partners how dedicated they are. And yet, their promises fall flat time and time again. This pattern may be limited to fidelity, but it’s often symbolic of other patterns within the relationship.

[This message edited by ImaChump at 8:53 PM, Friday, December 22nd]

It’s funny. The only trait that really came to mind for me was the one about mid life crisis, and contractor in the house. I suppose attractive to the opposite sex would also fit, although in her case it really wasn’t flaunted.

I think that that’s the scariest thing. That although some cheaters do have deep seated issues like SA, abandonment, and narcissism, others just don’t. It makes infidelity almost impossible to predict.

I really believe that many people, under the right set of circumstances, can cheat. Not everyone obviously, but even those that don’t have the predictors listed above. That’s why for me the litmus test was if it happens more than once. The first time can be chalked up to a mistake. The second time is always a conscious decision to denigrate their spouse and put their own needs first.

So while many have traits that set off bells, others never show it prior, and like in my case after. Still doesn’t excuse the act. In fact it makes it more heinous as there is no events in their backgrounds that could pave the way and provide an explanation.

. Extroverts are more likely to cheat bc they crave adventures

Yes.

They build a reputation of being someone you can trust to make cheating

Yes. My husband made me believe he was trustworthy.

A lot of them were sexually abused as a child.

Absolutely no abuse, of any kind,during his childhood, or afterwards.

most don’t see anything wrong with their actions

No,he knew it was wrong,which is why he hid it from me. But,at the same time, he didn't feel bad about what he was doing..as long as I didn't know, he was fine with his behavior.

My husband is a selfish man. He definitely has the traits of a narcissist. Everything is about him. If I tell him traffic was bad,it was worse for him. It's always worse for him.

I think that that’s the scariest thing. That although some cheaters do have deep seated issues like SA, abandonment, and narcissism, others just don’t. It makes infidelity almost impossible to predict.

Yeah, I mean most of us have some of the traits listed above to some extent. You just don’t realize to what extent until they’ve shown you, by cheating.

I was married over 22 years before my WS showed me the extent of her issues. Her issues laid dormant waiting for key factors , cofactors and opportunity to come into perfect alignment:

(kids older, more leisure time, got pregnancy body back, more opportunity, midlife, getting older, fleeting youth with emerging self image issues, new single bad influence friends, sister cheated, got away with it, romanticized it)

I think Waited nailed it:

I think that that’s the scariest thing. That although some cheaters do have deep seated issues like SA, abandonment, and narcissism, others just don’t. It makes infidelity almost impossible to predict.

I really believe that many people, under the right set of circumstances, can cheat. Not everyone obviously, but even those that don’t have the predictors listed above. That’s why for me the litmus test was if it happens more than once. The first time can be chalked up to a mistake. The second time is always a conscious decision to denigrate their spouse and put their own needs first.

So while many have traits that set off bells, others never show it prior, and like in my case after. Still doesn’t excuse the act. In fact it makes it more heinous as there is no events in their backgrounds that could pave the way and provide an explanation.

What Grieving said summed it up perfectly for my husband:

- introvert
- During the affair he twisted himself into some philosophical knots to convince himself it was ok
- feels a great deal of guilt and shame (to the point it’s detrimental to his healing process).
- If you met my husband, you’d never guess he would be likely to cheat. He’s not flirtatious at all

Also agree when she said she wasn’t attracted to extroverted flirty men. I specifically sought out the quiet supportive type.

Also... "He had some poor boundaries in his own quiet introvert way that helped him slide into an affair and not be proactive about getting out of it."

And from Reality Blows list: checked all these boxes

- Insecurity Issues

-Family Of Origin issues

-Poor Empathy

-Low emotional maturity

-People who work in high intensity, high anxiety, high adrenaline team work environments.

-Late Bloomers (few premarital sexual exps)

-Midlife Crisis

-Dead Bedrooms

-Emotional Intimacy Issues

Feel like I need to add that my list of faults is long as well…

I think people make choices, the motivations of those choices have everything to do with them.

People always know what is right and wrong. They make a bunch of decisions they know these decisions are wrong but decide its somehow better for them or they deserve it.

People do things because they want to do them, blaming FOO issues or little green men from mars doesn't change that truth in my opinion.

My WW checks off a good chunk of the major cheater profile boxes.

Self worth / self esteem issues.
Fear of being alone
Family of origin issues.
Extroverted
Passive aggressive
Trust issues
Insecure attachment type
Birds of a feather flock together (close friends or relatives that also cheat)

I will say I do think my wife knows cheating is wrong and knows people hurt by cheating. Hell her sister was both perp and victim of cheating. I also feel that if cheaters felt there actions were truly justified they would not need to be concerned with conducting affairs clandestinely. In my wife’s case I think family origin issues are key. She loves like she learned to love and she saw people that supposedly loved each other treat each other like total shit growing up. In fact our marriage would be considered tranquil compared to the one she grew up in. Besides how can someone properly love another if they cannot love themselves?

Hmmm , my FWH has not one of these characteristics. 🤷‍♀️

When I me my H (at 19) I was impressed w/ his honesty and character. I was his second GF and we married after 5 years of dating (met in college).

However I was very hesitant to marry. My concern was that I lived my life with experiences that most people have - dating, own apartment, etc. My H didn’t have that.

I voiced my concern about him having a midlife crisis b/c he didn’t date many people (just one other) and he will feel he missed out. He convinced me otherwise. So we married (he was 24).

He was in his 30s for the first 4 year EA.

He was 49 with the midlife crisis affair that almost led to a D.

He became very successful in corporate America and women were very much attracted to him. His persona was a respected team leader, nice guy to work for, etc. He was well dressed, good looking and funny as hell.

I on the other hand was hit on very often. However my perception was these guys were only after one thing — and they didn’t really care about me at all. I could see through the line and sob stories and crap they used to try to have an affair.

I laughed in their face. And told my H about it every time.

He in the other hand encouraged the flirty behavior and needed that attention to boost his ego.

In hindsight I should have stuck to my guns and listened to myself in my 20s because my predictions / fears were spot on.

I always thought my H was very confident (w/out being arrogant). I thought I was the lucky one!!! In reality I am much more likely to face things head on and not be a coward in the face of a tough situation. Him, on the other hand, will avoid topics and discussions that are difficult at all costs.

I don’t know what happened to the guy I dated and married decades ago. Or maybe he never was that guy. Whatever.

First wife,

He became very successful in corporate America and women were very much attracted to him. His persona was a respected team leader, nice guy to work for, etc. He was well dressed, good looking and funny as hell.

Without bragging too much this was kind of me. I did get hit on quite a bit, and came close on a few occasions. Especially after her affair where I’m sure my shields were lowered and was more receptive to the flirting.

This is the reason I stated that I can see how an affair, and certainly a ONS can happen without having the traits so many have listed.

It also doesn’t take away any of the responsibilities of one’s actions, and doesn’t excuse your WS behavior, but life is full of slippery slopes.

@1st wife

Did you husband actually say anything to you that indicated his lack of dating prior to marriage contributed to his choose to stray?

I meant to comment on this in my last post but forgot because I’ve read of limited research indicating that marriages between people with fewer prior sex partners are less likely to have issues. I’d also like to point out that it has really only been within the last century or so that dating and fooling around with multiple people prior to marriage has become normalized. I would think if lack of dating or love life prior to marriage was a real risk factor for someone cheating then cheating would have been more common historically.

Now I’ll say I can comment from experience on this matter. My WW and I were both virgin when we started dating. We also waited a long time prior to having sex after having gotten together at least by present day standards. She had only dated a couple people prior to meeting me and I only dated one other person prior to meeting her. She was 19 when we got together and I was 24 she ended up straying and I didn’t. While my wife has not directly told me why she decided to stray or even told me directly she did stray she has made comments regarding some issues she has had regarding the marriage and to a limited extent myself. One thing that caught my attention was something she said regarding expectations of the marriage. It seems like my wife had unrealistic expectations of what marriage would be like.

So add to the list of risks for cheating (unrealistic expectations of marriage / relationship) I’ve worked in customer service and one thing I learned about that job is if the customer expects more of the product or service then can be delivered watch out because they will quite likely be an unhappy customer. Funny thing is I’ve also read that people that believe in "The One" vs those that don’t are more likely to have relationship issues so if I end up back in the dating world I know one of the questions I’ll be asking my dates.

[This message edited by Juslookin4advice at 1:51 PM, Sunday, December 24th]